When helping isn’t that helpful

October 25, 2017

I have been to a few events recently and have been a little stunned with some of the behaviours of people that are trying to help others. While I know that their action comes from a place of care, I have been cringing at the way that others were disempowered through the wanting to help and reassure. It comes down to awareness so I won’t go into exact details but want to remind you of a few things to remember when you are attending workshops, are coaching someone or in a deep place of transformation with a client. I am just going to be blunt and say it as it is – please know that there is a context here and I am not going to enter into convos about the specifics. I am very passionate about empowering people and am speaking about this from a place of kindness, awareness raising and years of working with people when it has become about the ‘healer’ rather than those wanting to transform.

When someone is feeling insecure and are expressing their fear and blocks please don’t make them wrong by bombarding them in that time of distress with everything positive about them -it discounts their feelings in that moment. It also overlays your own need to fix it and can have them feeling even more distant, isolated and misunderstood. I am pretty sure that’s not actually what you are wanting to achieve. Affirmations are great in the right place but in this situation the person needs to experience their feelings as they are. Instead of trying to make it better, be with them, hold the space and let them explore for themselves, let them know that they are safe by being unconditionally there, shut up and be present to what is happening.

Sentences like ‘we all feel…’ ‘everyone thinks this..’ are extraordinarily frustrating statements. Please do not speak for how others are feeling. I would like to know how you know what I am thinking or feeling. Also please refrain from finishing others sentences, please listen, be present and actually allow space for others to find their voice – it is wonderful that you know so much but by you jumping in you hijack the experience for others. It becomes about you and that is a nightmare when people are exploring and want to find their own meaning in what is happening. Your oversharing can be counterproductive to what you are trying to achieve.

No matter how many special gifts you have, if it is not asked for (or permission given) you are actually being invasive with your touch, aura analysis, crystal healings, psychic abilities, tapping, opinions,family analysis etc There is nothing wrong with any of these modalities it is when it is projected onto the person rather than them seeking that particular avenue it becomes a problem. It is once again about allowing space for the healing rather than it be about the practitioner with all the tools. We have the inner resources to discover things for ourselves – your skills may be part of it but please ensure that you are facilitating growth rather than having you own opinion in what someone should do. Don’t deny them the abilty to find what they need for themselves.


I guess the theme here is about being present and not getting on the way of someones own growth. In helping too much you can deny them finding it for themselves. One question that we all need to ask ourselves constantly is who is this serving? If it is about your imparting your knowledge, being able to fix it for them or its is meeting your own needs, you may need to sit back and reflect on how you can empower others and support them rather than getting in the way of their own healing.


I am interested in what sorts of experiences have had you disempowered when the intention is the opposite – please share your stories (no names) so we can all learn what not to do!