I must admit I am a little worried about this weeks Ignite Life. I have a myriad of things that I could talk about, yet feel a bit meh, which has me thinking that I cant be bothered and consequently have negative self talk going rife. It is then amplified full bore when I decided to write about it. “Oh you can’t do that you are meant to have it all together” or “remember that being a therapist is not about you” “don’t air your laundry in public”– the messages are endless but somehow I feel like it needs to be out in the open so here it is…
I even just had a moment where I felt like I needed to justify why I would talk about this – but I am not going to as that makes it wrong and being human isn’t wrong.
My life is pretty good at the moment and I am so lucky to be working and doing a few roles that I love. I have regrettably had to resign from one of my positions, purely from a time point of view. I can feel myself being more and more pressed and I don’t want to be the person that feels like no matter what I am doing I feel like I am letting someone else down – this is sometimes in my head and not a reality, as all of the organisations I work for know that I wear a few hats. This decision is one that I am still not sure of as I love the work. I know that they will have someone else step into my place but the overwhelming sense of guilt for leaving is taking over. Feelings of ‘have I stuffed the program up’ or have I blown my chance’ are also considerations going round and round in my head.
I guess the theme is that I don’t want to let anyone down but there are a few personal things that need to be attended to. The irony is that if I look after myself more then I am even more present for my clients and I will be ‘on fire’. I love the buzz that I get being with clients and just need balance it all out so I can sustain life in between. I know that I am going to end up not very well or an ol spinster and very lonely if I don’t change something and create time and space for me. It just is hard when you want to do it all and love what you do.
I have spent most of my life feeling invisible, like I don’t matter and I could just disappear and no one would notice. I have done lots of work around it but this little chestnut has made its way back into my world this week as a result of feeling like my needs not being considered, comparing myself or feeling misunderstood. I just need to process this as it isn’t something I like to feel. The messages of ‘you are crap’ ‘oh look at you, you loser’ ‘you don’t matter anyway’ aren’t really the most satisfying of messages. It actually has nothing to do with the other people involved, it’s the way I translate things within me which then turn into something that is not reality – I need to send it packing.
I am really excited about focusing more on Ignite Art Therapies and have some big changes about to happen. I have heaps of brilliant ideas and want to implement some great things but get frozen in fear. There is something that gets in the way and makes me feel like I can’t move forward. Often it’s a fear of looking stupid, worrying about what others will think or not feeling like I have enough experience (that last one is particularly ridiculous).
I could go on but don’t want this to be a ‘feel sorry for Bel’ fest as that’s not my intention. I think my point is that we are all human and those voices that we listen to and the messages we send ourselves greatly effect how we feel about ourselves.
I do worry here as I type… what will my potential clients think?
I am hoping that they realise that I am human and have an understanding of what its like to struggle, to doubt, to feel vulnerable, to feel stuck. I am a real person and don’t put on some sort of therapists persona that makes me perfect – I am Bel and that’s ok, warts and all. In the therapy room I am there for you to discover what you need for yourself, it is actually not about me at all. I hope that they realise that I am continuously doing my own work so that I can be the best therapist I can be and thats a good thing.
I think this week is going to be a Meh! busting week as this BS needs to be kicked in the butt.
I feel a lot better jotting this down and getting it out of my head and when I sit back and think about this rationally those feelings don’t make sense. What I need to do is get out of my head and into my heart. Deep inside of me I know am on the right path and it’s all going to work out. I need to trust myself and not overthink things. It’s going to be a week of claiming back life and not letting the negative self talk or irrational emotions get in the way. I hope you will join me as we knock those things that makes us feel less out of the park.
So here goes… I am feeling a little nervous (a lot actually) as I am about to push ‘post’….